Well, I must start this with a deep sigh. Today is the day that my daughter will pack up her car and drive off, leaving me forever. Some may say, "You HOPE it's forever; some of them come back!" Well, I am not quite there yet. Together, we will close one chapter of this life and each begin our own new chapter, the one where the pages are blank and the preview is not available.
Taylor and I spent yesterday afternoon and evening together. We ran around getting a few last minute things that she needed for college. These were mostly wants, not needs, but we covered it, nonetheless. We had dinner at Panera and then went to see Eat Love Pray, with my favorite actress, Julia Roberts. All the while, she is singing me lines from Huntsville Rapist - The Remix. After the movie, she met up with a friend and did whatever 18-year-olds do when they meet their friends at 10:00 p.m. We hugged and said good-bye; I held on a little longer and a little tighter than normal and tried not to cry. I did okay until I got in the car, and then the water works started.
Yes, I know that tomorrow morning I will see her when we (Buzzy and I being the definition of "we" here) load up the rest of her stuff (you know the big stuff, the heavy stuff, the stuff that makes you sweat when the heat index will be 108 in Orlando tomorrow) and take it over to her. The dorms open at UCF, bright and early at 8:00 a.m. She will be in the Libra Community.
Yes, I know that I will see her next weekend when we go to the Keys, and the next weekend when we go to the Keys. I have, however, prepared myself as much as I can for the possibility that she might call me to tell me she is having so much fun that she is going to stay at school for the weekend rather than driving 5 hours one-way to spend the weekend with the "old people", as she so fondly refers to us. Or, even better, that she has a JOB and has to work all weekend.
So, yes, I know I will see her soon, and I am so, so, so thankful that God chose for her to go to UCF, and that it is less than an hour away. I really don't know why I keep crying except that I cry at most things. However, I can't help but wonder so many things.
Is she ready? Are they ever REALLY ready when the leave? My friend, Juleanne, told me that when she moved out, it FORCED her to be ready.
Did I train up my child in the way she should go, and when she is old she will not depart from it? I KNOW that she loves Jesus and I KNOW that He loves her and I KNOW that His ways are higher than my ways. WOW, isn't THAT a blessing?! She knows God's word and has hidden it in her heart. We made it through the teenage year with nothing more than a few small bumps in the road. For this I am eternally grateful! Now, she will venture off on her own and apply these things that she has learned. I will worry about her and pray for her, both without ceasing.
Did I pass on my good qualities and shield her from my bad ones? I have tried to always apologize quickly and to show her the error of my ways. When I makes mistakes I have told her, "this is why you don't do this." I have shared my life experience with her and hoped that she would see what I did wrong and that she would learn from my mistakes. You know how it is....you hear your child say something or see them do something totally off the wall that you never expected them to do or say. It hits you like a ton of brinks, "Oh boy, I know exactly where she got that!" and then you look in the mirror. It is also apparent to me when Taylor's friends tell me that I am just like her. Hey, isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Where do they think she got all of this amazing-ness?
Did I teach her how to be a responsible adult? Well, when I got up this morning, I laughed because the outside light was still on. I am quite sure I have told her to turn the lights out. I guess this will ring home when she has to start paying her own electric bill.
Does she know how to take care of herself? Well, she can boil pasta, make Ramen (yes I know that is the same), toast bagels and order food. LOL! I have tried to get her to cook meals and to learn, but she just really hasn't been too interested. We were talking about this a bit last night and we are both thankful that she has a meal plan at school. Seriously, the food there is amazing. When I was in school, we had grilled-cheese sandwiches, chicken tenders, french fries, etc. When I went to orientation with Taylor, I was so happy that they had great food to choose from. I keep saying, "They had me at hummus." Taylor said, "I can feel that Freshman 15 coming on already!" Anyway, back to last night, I pointed out that she isn't going to have a meal plan forever. She said, "Yes, but I'll have a husband". I told her that I thought (and, oh God, I pray) that she will probably have a few (many) years between the meal plan and the husband. Maybe she will be like me when I was out on my own. I can remember calling my mom when I had a hankering and ask her how to make things. My mom was an amazing cook! Sadly, I didn't get that gene, but I keep trying.
Did I help her make the transition from child to adult? Did I wean her enough and let the apron strings out enough so that when they are severed she can stand on her own? I feel like the last two years she has done fairly well with her independence, so all I can do is pray.
Well, the questions, thoughts, worries, and prayers keep coming, but I will make it through. I am excited about spending more time with my husband and seeing how this all unfolds for us. I have been so blessed to have jobs where I was able to spend time with Taylor, go on field trips, be the swim mom, carpool (I was usually the driver) and never miss a single event. I do remember when she was in Kindergarten and we were getting ready to go on the last field trip of the year and she asked me if she could ride with her teacher. I guess she was envious of the other students who didn't have to ride with their moms. On that same note, I remember year after year how much she wanted to be able to ride the school bus. (She went to private school through 6th grade, so I always drove her.) That want wore off VERY quickly when she started riding the bus in 7th grade!
Anyway, now I am back in school and my classes have started before hers, so I guess I will grab my tissues and get ready for that. The last two semesters I have had all of my classes with Taylor, which is another blessing. Now, I have to be a big girl, grab my backpack and head to class on my own. This semester, I share both of my classes with girls that I used to babysit. Oh boy, I am getting old. :-)
So, my support group girls, NOW IS THE TIME!!! Buzzy is heading south to get some lobster this weekend and I will be all alone. Chick flicks and slumber parties here we come!!!
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